If you're not Scottish, you might not know what a midge is. It's a tiny flying creature of anger and pain, akin to a tiny tiny mosquito or something. I was asked to write about a midge. Here.
I hate everything let me at everything I will drink the blood of everything until everything is either dead or agrees to give me more blood – look a victim for my tiny yet unbelievably irritating bite! Watch as I descend upon him and prepare to feast on his unsuspecting flesh! This fool isn’t even protected, look! No lotion, no Avon, not even a hat! He will make a fine meal, but even he will not sate my hunger! See as I land on his arm and sink my weird creepy mouth thing past his mole and in-
Smack!
No! Aggie! Why? Stricken down in the prime of his short, short life! Never fear Archie, I shall avenge you! I go now to collect our sisters, our mothers and aunts, our daughters and grandmothers! I’ll leave our brothers and whatnot out of this, everyone know they can’t actually drink blood or anything. Useless men..
Sisters! I have just come from the feeding ground where I saw a most terrible sight! Aggie, poor dear Aggie, was struck down in the prime of her blood-lusting life! There she was, harmlessly descending on one of the large two-legged things we like to eat – no Mag, not the big white and black ones, they have four legs. And we all know that we midges can’t penetrate their thick hide! No, the pink-ish ones! With the weird coverings and the loud shrill voices. Anyway, Aggie was merely feeding on one of these gormless creatures when suddenly it fought back! Aggie, bless her dearly departed soul, was valiant in her attack, but to no avail. She was struck down by the creature’s flappy limb-end and died there, a dismal black splodge forever resting on the creature’s arm..
Come, sistren! We must avenge poor dear Aggie! Ready your sucker thingies! Form up into that terrifying cloud that we do! Go for the jugular and other blood-rich areas! Together we will make these stupid creatures – no, still not the black and white ones, Mag – these stupid creatures rue the day they ever fought back against us, their overlords!
Now, CHARRRRRRGE!
Smack! Wave! Hit! Clap! Irritated Hand Movement!
No! Our entire left wing is decimated! These creatures are using chemical warfare! It looks like one of their number has gotten their hands on some of our greatest weakness, Avon Skin-So-Soft! Who would have thought that the mighty midge could be brought so low by such a fragrant smelling product! Surely that is irony at its finest! I must some monologuing, however, while our forces are under attack!
Right flank! Go for the smaller creature! It has just come from the water and thus will have no biological weapons about its person, and what’s more it is wearing less of the weird covering than it’s larger herdmates. Attack!
Centre – it’s time to fight fire with fire! No Mag, put down the lighter, these creatures have no idea we have mastered the great flame yet and they would unleash a terrible retribution on our people if they found out! No, I was speaking metaphorically! It’s a difficult concept to grasp, metaphor – especially for a midge about the size of a full stop, but I’ve managed it! We must scare them with our battle formation! Ladies, form Battle Cloud Number 11 – The Anvil! We shall dominate them through sheer numbers alone!
Once more, my fellow midge! Once more unto the beach!
Spray! Towel Flap! Strike!
I am hit! Curse these creatures, they are too large for us! Sistren, we must retreat! Come, let’s go and find some of those large black and white things to harass…
I hate everything let me at everything I will drink the blood of everything until everything is either dead or agrees to give me more blood – look a victim for my tiny yet unbelievably irritating bite! Watch as I descend upon him and prepare to feast on his unsuspecting flesh! This fool isn’t even protected, look! No lotion, no Avon, not even a hat! He will make a fine meal, but even he will not sate my hunger! See as I land on his arm and sink my weird creepy mouth thing past his mole and in-
Smack!
No! Aggie! Why? Stricken down in the prime of his short, short life! Never fear Archie, I shall avenge you! I go now to collect our sisters, our mothers and aunts, our daughters and grandmothers! I’ll leave our brothers and whatnot out of this, everyone know they can’t actually drink blood or anything. Useless men..
Sisters! I have just come from the feeding ground where I saw a most terrible sight! Aggie, poor dear Aggie, was struck down in the prime of her blood-lusting life! There she was, harmlessly descending on one of the large two-legged things we like to eat – no Mag, not the big white and black ones, they have four legs. And we all know that we midges can’t penetrate their thick hide! No, the pink-ish ones! With the weird coverings and the loud shrill voices. Anyway, Aggie was merely feeding on one of these gormless creatures when suddenly it fought back! Aggie, bless her dearly departed soul, was valiant in her attack, but to no avail. She was struck down by the creature’s flappy limb-end and died there, a dismal black splodge forever resting on the creature’s arm..
Come, sistren! We must avenge poor dear Aggie! Ready your sucker thingies! Form up into that terrifying cloud that we do! Go for the jugular and other blood-rich areas! Together we will make these stupid creatures – no, still not the black and white ones, Mag – these stupid creatures rue the day they ever fought back against us, their overlords!
Now, CHARRRRRRGE!
Smack! Wave! Hit! Clap! Irritated Hand Movement!
No! Our entire left wing is decimated! These creatures are using chemical warfare! It looks like one of their number has gotten their hands on some of our greatest weakness, Avon Skin-So-Soft! Who would have thought that the mighty midge could be brought so low by such a fragrant smelling product! Surely that is irony at its finest! I must some monologuing, however, while our forces are under attack!
Right flank! Go for the smaller creature! It has just come from the water and thus will have no biological weapons about its person, and what’s more it is wearing less of the weird covering than it’s larger herdmates. Attack!
Centre – it’s time to fight fire with fire! No Mag, put down the lighter, these creatures have no idea we have mastered the great flame yet and they would unleash a terrible retribution on our people if they found out! No, I was speaking metaphorically! It’s a difficult concept to grasp, metaphor – especially for a midge about the size of a full stop, but I’ve managed it! We must scare them with our battle formation! Ladies, form Battle Cloud Number 11 – The Anvil! We shall dominate them through sheer numbers alone!
Once more, my fellow midge! Once more unto the beach!
Spray! Towel Flap! Strike!
I am hit! Curse these creatures, they are too large for us! Sistren, we must retreat! Come, let’s go and find some of those large black and white things to harass…